Are the "five love languages" actually BS?

If you’ve spent any time on dating apps, you’ve probably seen someone declare, “My love language is physical touch,” usually followed by a wink or suggestive emoji. But as Feminista Jones points out, "Many men who say physical touch is their 'love language' just really like to f*** and this pseudoscience gives it a nice flower." The truth is, love languages – at least the way we use them – can be misleading.

The "five love languages" were introduced in a book by Gary Chapman in 1992, and they’ve become pop culture gospel: Physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and quality time. The idea is that each person has a "primary" language that makes them feel most loved. On paper, it sounds neat, but relationship experts and researchers have raised eyebrows about how useful or accurate this really is.

According to Psychology Today, "People who are capable of giving and receiving love are fluent in all five languages as well as the gazillion other ways people can express love… The problem with the five love languages is that they are conceptually as vague and broad as advice like 'Try to be nice'." It turns out, most of us don’t stick to just one love language. We’re constantly changing, picking and mixing different ways of connecting, depending on life, mood, and who we’re with.

Research backs this up. A 2024 review shows that people don’t actually have one fixed "primary" love language, there are far more than five ways to feel loved, and couples whose languages "match" aren’t necessarily happier. Julie Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, has pointed out that the love languages theory "assumes that people don’t have the capacity to learn different ways to express love", which is both limiting and, frankly, a bit insulting.

One of the big issues is the way "physical touch" gets flattened into "sex", especially by men in the online dating wild. Therapist Lindsey Hoskins notes that the idea "physical touch" is always sexual is flawed, and that everyone needs non-sexual connection – hugs, hand-holding, a squeeze of the shoulder – just as much as anyone needs sex. So when someone claims "physical touch" as their love language, it’s worth asking, "Do you mean snuggling on the sofa, or just getting laid?"

The reality is, love isn’t a formula you can crack with a multiple-choice quiz. You’re allowed to want a bit of everything: Sweet words one day, acts of service the next, cuddles on a bad day, and gifts when you least expect it. It’s normal for your needs to change over time, and it’s not only okay, it’s healthy to talk to your partner about what actually makes you feel loved, instead of locking yourself (or them) into a single box.

So if love languages have ever helped you and your partner have a real conversation about needs? Great. But don’t let them define the whole relationship. Love is personal, ever-changing, and way too interesting to boil down to a one-size-fits-all framework.