Co-habiting vs no-habiting: What's right for me?

Somewhere along the way, dating picked up a strange assumption: That relationships should always be progressing toward something – labels, toothbrushes, sharing an apartment and having opinions about each other’s pantry organization preferences. But when you’re dating casually, none of that is mandatory. In fact, keeping your own space can be one of the healthiest things you do for yourself and your connections.

No-habiting means you date, flirt, occasionally sleep over, sometimes travel, or simply vibe together without merging households or routines. You still get intimacy and connection, but you also keep your independence, your space, and your emotional breathing room. It's a style of commitment that works especially well for people navigating busy lives and complicated schedules.

Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein reminds us, "It's important to remember that everyone's needs and preferences for personal space can vary, and it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong with the relationship." Instead, it often reflects a need to protect your individuality and recharge without pressure. That’s doubly true in casual dating, where the goal is not to knit your lives together, but to enjoy each other without losing yourself.

Keeping separate spaces can also strengthen the fun parts of dating. When you have your own place, your meetups become intentional instead of habitual. You choose to see each other because you want to, not because you happen to share a key bowl on the entranceway table. You get the thrill of "coming over", the spark of planning nights together, and the safety of leaving when you need alone time. Absence really can make the heart grow fonder!

No-habiting also helps regulate expectations. When you maintain independent homes, it becomes easier to set boundaries, pace emotional intimacy, and check in with your own needs. You don’t fall into the trap of defaulting to togetherness simply because logistics make it convenient. You get to ask yourself real questions. Do I want to stay over tonight? Do I want company, or do I just feel obligated? Does spending time with this person feel energising or draining?

The Gottman Institute talks about the importance of maintaining individuality even in long-term partnerships, noting that healthy couples "honor each other’s personal goals, interests, and values. This balance between independence and togetherness creates trust, respect, and lasting intimacy." Casual daters arguably need this even more. You are building something without a roadmap, figuring out compatibility, and learning your rhythm together without pressure. Space gives clarity, perspective, and time to decide what you actually want.

It is also a buffer when emotions get complicated. Casual dating doesn’t mean emotionless dating. Sometimes you catch feels. Sometimes the other person does. Having your own space lets you process privately, notice your patterns, and keep your friendships, routines, and self-care intact. It is much easier to reflect on a situationship from your own sofa than from someone else’s kitchen while pretending you’re fine, just fine, really.

And yes, no-habiting keeps the spark alive. When you don’t share a home, you share experiences instead. You get novelty and anticipation instead of falling into domestic autopilot. You get to curate the energy of your time together. You get the option to say, "Tonight I need solitude," without it derailing the whole connection.

If you ever choose to cohabit one day, great. If you don’t, also great. In casual dating, the only real rule is that your choices should support your wellbeing, not someone else’s expectations. And if that means keeping your own bed, your own snacks, and a romantic life that doesn’t involve arguing about whose turn it is to buy toilet paper, then no-habiting might be for you.