It's a well-known trope that every generation thinks they're the ones who invented sex. So when you're in the midst of your own curiosity about what kind of kinky things you could get up to in the bedroom, you may be wondering if anyone has ever thought of that before, or if you're just weird or bad or... Wrong, somehow.
Guess what? It's been thought of. It's been experimented with. It's been refined and now probably has a whole community of other people who are into it, too. You don't need to feel ashamed of your curiosity. (Easier said than done.)
But how do you figure out what you're into in the bedroom, especially when female pleasure has been deprioritized since the dawn of time?
Our Good Girls podcast episode "Good Girls Try Something New" explores just that - and here's some good advice.
First of all, a disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla sex isn't boring sex, by the way - "vanilla" means that the sex you're into is more about connection and intimacy than wild titillation. People can feel a lot of pressure to "spice things up" in the bedroom, but the most important thing is to ensure that both/all parties are getting what they want out of a sexual experience, so don't feel like you have to experiment in order to have a fulfilling sex life.
That little voice inside your head saying, "That's too weird! It's too kinky! No one is going to want to do that with me!" is wrong. We guarantee that your wildest fantasy has been done many a time, by many a person.
Yes, someone had to be the first person to discover that particular thing, but with the current world population sitting at over 8 billion people, chances are that thing was discovered millennia ago, not yesterday in your bedroom. Sorry to burst your bubble.
You might have discovered it hidden under your parents' bed and giggled at the illustrations, but the Kama Sutra is actually an excellent starting point for anyone who is keen to try something new and not sure where to start. Compiled sometime between 400 BCE and 300 CE, it's often thought to be a manual of sex positions, but it's actually a "guide to the art of living well" and just happens to contain a lot of great detail about foreplay and sex (including 26 forms of kissing).
So if you want to start with a fascinating, amazingly illustrated introduction into the world of sex, start with the Kama Sutra. Peruse the menu and see if anything looks interesting - it's a safe, easily accessible way to get started with exploration. It'll open your eyes to what people were doing in ancient times (which isn't so different to what your brain has conjured up).
Think you might be keen to give a bit of bondage a go? You don't have to be fully tied up, restrained, bound, and gagged in order to experiment with bondage. Start out gently, with some silk scarves tied to the bedpost, fuzzy handcuffs, a blindfold.
You don't need to jump into full dominatrix mode with whips and leather corsets, either. Maybe you just want to direct things a bit more, take a bit more control, decide what positions to do instead of giving over to your partner's lead.
The point is, experimenting doesn't mean fully committing or never turning back. This is not your sex life now so you better get used to it. You can dip your toe, decide whether you want to go further, and find where your boundaries are. They're your boundaries, and you get to choose. You also get to choose to say actually, no, that's not my thing, thanks very much.
Google is free. Google things! Look things up on the internet. Look for articles and blog-style content that's written by an expert in the field, like a sexologist, or a dominatrix, or a sex researcher - preferably someone with firsthand experience in the thing you're interested in. There is heaps of content out there that will educate you and enlighten you in a professional, non-threatening, safety-first way - you just need to plug some search terms into your internet browser and click around.
There are a lot of women's Facebook groups with tens of thousands of other participants, asking all kinds of questions - including about sex and sexuality. Join a few of these and do a bit of searching. You might be surprised how many people talk about really, really intimate and private stuff with seeming abandon.
Reddit is another great place to find perspectives - just search the thing you're interested in and see what comes up.
What both of these methods have in common is that they're also real people, like you - not adult film stars, not sexologists, just regular humans with interests that might align with yours.
If you do want to get involved in these groups, you can always make a throwaway account and post from there instead of your real social media account. No judgement.
Think of your close friends - the ones you can be open and vulnerable with. Is there someone you think you could break down any barriers of embarrassment with and just... Come clean? You might be surprised at what your friends get up to behind closed doors, and they might be relieved to talk about some of their kinky interests with someone open-minded too.
...To a sex toy shop! Anyone who works in a sex toy shop is a phemonenal source of info. They see people from every walk of life, with every interest imaginable, purchase every kind of toy or accessory or equipment you can think of. And you bet they know about the products they're selling, and how to use them safely. In fact, anyone who works in the sex-adjacent industry is going to have insight that the average person doesn't have - so strike up a (respectful) conversation and see what you might learn.
Your safety is the most important priority, whether you're experimenting in the bedroom or just learning about your own desires. Safety is about using equipment and toys properly and hygienically, having trust in your intimate partner, and knowing that you can - and should - say no and hold boundaries without shame or stigma. Knowing you're experimenting safely will help you to relax and get into it, and to actually have fun!
Read more
Dating
Workplace hookups: Yay or nay?
Should you ever date someone from work? HUD App’s People & Culture Manager Stef has some good advice.
