Mastering shame around masturbation

Shame around masturbation usually comes from messages we absorbed growing up. Maybe you heard phrases that made pleasure feel dirty or sinful. Sometimes myths, like “masturbation will harm you” (or that old wives' tale "too much will make you go blind!") add to that confusion. These beliefs get stuck in your mind and can make you feel ashamed for something completely normal and healthy. It’s important to remember those messages are learned. They are not truths about your worth or your body.

Changing how you see yourself

The first step in letting go of shame is changing the story you tell yourself. Masturbation is a natural way to explore your body and understand what feels good. When you start seeing it as an act of self-care instead of something wrong, your relationship with yourself can begin to heal.

Creating a safe space for self-pleasure

Try creating a moment just for you. Choose a time when you won’t be interrupted. Make the space comfortable, light a candle or play soft music if that feels good. Approach masturbation like a gentle self-date where the goal is not just orgasm but learning and enjoying your body. Slow down and notice how every touch feels. This mindfulness can help replace shame with curiosity.

Embrace your own desires

Let go of “shoulds” and “should nots.” Instead, ask yourself what you want and what feels good in the moment. Your body and desires are valid, and you get to decide how to enjoy your sexuality at your own pace.

Compassion is key

Be kind to yourself if shame arises. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable sometimes when shifting old beliefs. Speak gently to yourself like you would to a friend. Recognize that pleasure and joy are your right.

Reach out if you need support

If shame feels overwhelming, it can help to talk to someone you trust. This might be a close friend or a sex coach who can provide guidance and help you untangle those feelings in a safe, supportive way.

Mastering shame around masturbation is a journey of self-acceptance. It’s about reclaiming your body, your pleasure, and your right to joy. With patience and kindness, you can rewrite the story from one of shame to one of empowerment and love.

Amari Leigh is a London-based Accredited Sex & Relationship Educator, Clinical Sexologist, and Certified Sex Coach. She is the founder of two sex-positive businesses: Admin by Amari Agency, a virtual assistant and social media agency supporting professionals in the sexual wellness and women’s health space, and Sex Coaching by Amari, where she offers inclusive, judgment-free coaching and education on intimacy, relationships, pleasure, and sexual wellbeing. Amari holds a BA (Hons) in Sociology, where she specialised in topics including gender violence, sexuality, pornography, sex work, sexual violence, domestic violence, sexual health, feminism, and sexism. She also has a strong foundation in education and safeguarding, with over eight years of experience working in childcare and teaching. Follow her work: Sex Coaching by Amari‍