You can tell a lot about a person by their go-to undies. Not just their laundry habits, but their dating style, too. Are you all about comfort? Chaos? Control? Are you ready for anything or still emotionally attached to your novelty banana print briefs from 2016?
We’re not judging. We’re decoding. Welcome to the Unofficial Underwear Zodiac. You don’t need to believe in astrology to know that your favourite pair is probably telling on you.
You’re confident, you’re bold, and you absolutely do read the room before you take your pants off. You’ve got your boundaries down and your exit strategy planned. Casual? Yes. Clueless? Never. You probably have receipts for every person you've ever kissed.
Reliable. Playful. Into casual connections but lowkey wondering if your next hookup might also like brunch. You’re soft but not squishy, and you’ve never ghosted anyone in your life. Your messages end in a lot of question marks and exclamation points.
You give off strong “I brought water and snacks” energy. You want everyone to be comfortable and cared for, even if it’s just for one night. You probably text back with complete sentences and sometimes ask questions like, “Are you good with this pace?”
You’re not here to play. Or maybe you are, but only with consent and excellent lighting. You like aesthetics, sensuality, and giving main character energy in every encounter. You’ve got a playlist, a backup plan, and a candle that smells like confidence.
You are strategic. You don’t love chaos. You probably have a go-bag packed in your head for every scenario. You swipe with precision and you don’t tolerate nonsense. You’re not boring, you’re a minimalist. There’s a difference.
You’re a flirt. You like softness, both in fabric and in vibes. You’re here for the pleasure, the banter, the teasing touch before anything happens. You’re not in a rush. If your underwear had a soundtrack, it would be 90s R&B.
Listen. We love you. But it’s time. These undies are a metaphor. For that situationship you keep revisiting. For the DMs you shouldn’t have opened. For that phase where you didn’t value yourself enough. Be kind to yourself (and your dates) and buy a new pair.
You’re either spontaneous or a menace. Maybe both. You live by the motto “Vibes first, consequences later.” You believe comfort is a construct and rules are for people who don’t moisturise. You have a wild story for every city you’ve been to. You’re not just going commando, you are commando.
Organised. Detail-oriented. Sex-positive with a side of “I’ve done the reading.” You are the date that people write diary entries about. You give eye contact. You give compliments. You give people a moment they remember for weeks.
You are not just clean. You are prepared. This isn’t your first rodeo, and it’s not your last. You pack spares in your carry-on in case your checked luggage gets lost. You believe in fresh starts, fresh sheets, and texting people back like an adult. You make safe feel sexy.
You’ve read the terms and conditions of every hookup. You talk about consent like it’s foreplay. You know the difference between dominance and control, and you’ve probably introduced someone to soft restraints using a hoodie drawstring. You’re not intimidating. You’re just very, very clear.
You’re the wildcard. You don’t take dating too seriously but still show up with your full chaotic-good heart. You believe sex should be fun, flirting should be funny, and undies with dinosaurs or glitter are always a conversation starter. You’ve never sent a boring sext in your life.
Whether you wear thongs or trunks, lace or lycra, one thing’s for sure: Your undies are part of your personality. So fold ’em, flaunt ’em, or ditch ’em entirely; just make sure they’re clean, comfortable, and they reflect you.
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