Why should I make an effort? (And how to find someone who will make an effort, too)

One of the biggest complaints about dating apps isn't that there aren't enough people. It's that so many profiles feel like they're only there because someone thought they should probably have one. There's a single blurry selfie taken in a public toilet, an empty bio, and a prompt that says, “Just ask.” After enough swiping, it's easy to wonder why you should bother writing anything interesting when so many other people don't seem to be making the same effort.

The answer is surprisingly simple. Your profile is one of the few parts of online dating that you have complete control over. You can't decide who will see it, who will swipe right, or whether a conversation will turn into a first date. You can decide what kind of first impression you leave.

And that impression starts long before anyone sends a message. Every photo, every answer to a prompt, and every line in your bio tells people something about you. They might not always interpret those details correctly, but they're still using them to decide whether they'd like to get to know you better.

Psychologists have spent decades studying how people form first impressions from very limited information. This process is known as “thin slicing”,  where our brains make surprisingly quick judgements and split-second decisions based on only a handful of clues. On dating apps, that's almost all anyone has to work with. Our minds often reach conclusions long before we're consciously aware of it. Those first impressions aren't always perfect, but they play a significant role in who gets a second look.

That doesn't mean you need a professionally photographed profile or a bio worthy of a stand-up comedian. In fact, trying too hard can be just as off-putting as not trying at all. Most people aren't searching for perfection – they’re just looking for signs of life. They want to know whether you have interests, whether you have a sense of humour, and whether spending time with you sounds enjoyable.

A profile with a few recent photos, a sentence about your favourite weekend activity, and a glimpse of your personality gives someone somewhere to begin. Compare that with an empty profile. There might be a fascinating person behind it, but strangers have no way of knowing that. Many people will simply keep scrolling rather than trying to fill in the blanks themselves.

Think about how conversations happen in everyday life. If you meet someone at a barbecue, after a social sports game, or while waiting for a coffee, you don't usually stand there expecting the other person to interview you. You naturally mention something you've been doing, somewhere you've travelled, or a hobby you've picked up recently. That exchange gives the conversation momentum. Dating profiles work in much the same way – they give someone an opening.

This becomes even more obvious once you've matched. Conversations often reflect the energy that both people bring into them. Someone who asks questions, shares stories, and responds with genuine curiosity usually encourages the other person to do the same. Social psychologists describe this as reciprocity. People tend to match the level of investment they're receiving.

That's one reason low-effort profiles can feel frustrating. It's not because everyone expects a masterpiece; it's because the profile hands all the work to somebody else. They have to invent an opening line, carry the conversation, and hope there's an interesting person waiting on the other side. Sometimes there is, but sometimes there isn't, and who wants to make all that effort just to be disappointed?

It's also worth remembering that effort doesn't always look the same. Some people are naturally funny. Others are thoughtful. Some express themselves through photographs because they're better with images than words. A profile doesn't need to tick every box, but it does need to feel like a real person took the time to create it (and yes, other users can tell when you’ve used AI to write your profile for you).

The tone of a profile often tells you just as much as the information it contains. We've all seen bios that read like a list of complaints. They're tired of dating apps, they're tired of drama, they're tired of people wasting their time, etc etc etc... Everyone has the right to decide what they're looking for, but leading with disappointment rarely creates enthusiasm. A profile that shares what someone enjoys, what makes them laugh, or what they're hoping to find feels far more inviting.

Popular culture has spent years convincing us that emotional distance is attractive. Romantic comedies regularly feature characters who spend most of the story refusing to admit they care, while TV dramas stretch simple misunderstandings across entire seasons. Real relationships are usually built very differently. If you've watched Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt became one of television's most popular couples because they consistently communicate, support one another, and celebrate each other's successes. Watching them feels refreshing because neither person is trying to win by caring less.

That idea extends well beyond television. Researcher Brené Brown built much of her career exploring the connection between vulnerability and meaningful relationships. In her TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, she argues that genuine connection depends on allowing ourselves to be seen. Dating profiles aren't confessional diaries, but they do ask us to reveal a little of ourselves. Sharing something real, whether that's your love of pottery, tramping, vintage motorcycles, terrible horror films, or perfecting homemade ramen, gives another person something authentic to respond to.

Putting effort into your profile also makes it easier for compatible people to find you. If you write that your weekends usually involve farmers' markets, live music, or hunting for the best dumplings in town, someone who enjoys those same things immediately has a conversation starter. You don't need to appeal to everybody. You only need to appeal to the people who are likely to enjoy spending time with you.

There can be a temptation to keep everything vague because it feels safer. The problem is that vague profiles attract vague conversations. Specific details create opportunities. They help someone picture what dating you might actually look like, and that's far more interesting than trying to guess.

Of course, no profile tells the whole story. A thoughtful bio doesn't guarantee kindness. A great collection of photos doesn't guarantee chemistry. At the same time, a sparse profile doesn't automatically mean someone isn't worth meeting. Some people dislike writing about themselves. Others are brand-new to online dating and haven't finished setting everything up. A profile is one piece of information, not a complete personality assessment.

Even so, paying attention to effort can save a lot of frustration. Someone who has updated their photos, answered prompts thoughtfully, and engages in conversation is showing you that they're participating in the process. They may not be your perfect person, but they're at least showing up.

The same standard is worth applying to yourself. If you expect someone to ask thoughtful questions, plan dates, and invest in getting to know you, your own profile should give them a reason to believe you'll do the same. Effort has a way of attracting effort because it creates better conversations from the very beginning. That extra 10 minutes you spend polishing your profile is often the difference between blending into the crowd and giving someone a genuine reason to stop.

Finding someone who makes an effort isn't about discovering the perfect dating app profile. It's about recognising consistency. Do they seem interested in getting to know you? Do they ask questions instead of answering yours with one-word replies? Do they follow through when they suggest meeting? Those behaviours matter far more than having the cleverest bio on the app.

Dating is never completely predictable, and even the best profile won't guarantee instant success. It does, however, make it easier for the right people to recognise you. That's worth the extra ten minutes it takes to replace an old photo, write a few sentences about yourself, and give someone a reason to start a conversation. When someone matches that same level of effort, you've already found something that's becoming surprisingly valuable: Someone who is genuinely showing up.