You don’t have to love your body to enjoy pleasure

If you've spent any time on social media, you've probably seen plenty of messages about loving your body. And while body positivity has helped a lot of people, it can also leave us feeling like we're doing something wrong if we don't wake up feeling confident every day. Here's something worth keeping in mind, especially on those hard-to-love-myself days: You don't have to love your body to enjoy pleasure.

For most of us, our relationship with our body changes from day to day. Some mornings you might feel great, while on other days you avoid mirrors or spend too much time picking yourself apart. That’s pretty normal for most people – particularly in our body-image-obsessed society – but it doesn't mean you have to put intimacy on hold until you feel better about yourself, or reach a certain weight or gym goal or hair colour or makeup skill before you can lean into pleasure.

Confidence isn’t a requirement

It's easy to think everyone else is having amazing, carefree sex while feeling completely confident in their own skin. That's the version we often see online, but it isn't real life. People have sex while living with scars, stretch marks, disabilities, chronic illness, acne, weight changes, and all kinds of insecurities about their bodies. They have sex after getting injured, becoming parents, while getting older, and on days when they don't feel particularly attractive. Confidence can make intimacy easier, sure, but it isn't the ticket that gets you in the door.

You don’t have to force yourself to love your body

Sometimes the pressure to love your body can feel just as exhausting as the pressure to change it. Maybe “love myself” feels like too big a goal right now. Maybe you're still getting used to body changes after being diagnosed with a condition, taking medication, exercising, pregnancy, or illness. Maybe you've just never felt connected to your body in the way people talk about online. That's okay!

You don't have to stand in front of the mirror listing everything you love about yourself if it doesn't feel genuine. It can be enough to recognise that your body is carrying you through life, and that it's worthy of care even if you're not feeling particularly affectionate towards it today.

Being present matters more than how you look

Body image has a way of pulling you out of the moment. You start wondering whether your stomach looks okay when you’re naked, whether your partner has noticed that scar or blemish, or whether the lights should be off so they can’t see you making a weird face or the way your thighs jiggle. Before long, you're thinking more than you're feeling.

Bringing your attention back to what's happening can make a huge difference. Focus on touch. Focus on your breathing. Focus on your connection with the other person. Your partner is probably paying a lot less attention to the things you're worried about than you think.

Pleasure isn’t about putting on a performance

A lot of us grow up believing that “good sex” is about looking sexy or doing all the right things so that the other person enjoys themselves and thinks we’re skilled lovers. Um, no. In reality, good intimacy comes from feeling comfortable enough to be yourself. That might mean laughing when something awkward happens, saying what you like, admitting when something doesn't feel good, and taking things slowly. None of that is unsexy; it's what real connection looks like.

Give yourself permission to enjoy it, right now, in this body

Here are some mantras you can say to yourself to help you to get grounded and feel more in the moment:

· I deserve pleasure in this body, at this time.

· I don't need to reach a certain weight before I can enjoy sex.

· I don't need to wait until I've learned to love every part of myself.

· I don't need to earn pleasure by becoming more confident.

· I can enjoy intimacy while I’m still figuring things out. Most people are.

· My body doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be mine.